This is from my diary. It's dated Thursday, January 30, 2013.

A very emotional zone training for me today. I had been feeling a lot of pressure these days, and I didn't even realize that it had taken an emotional toll. I felt awful. Like a sinner without anyone around to help. Guilty and despised for it. Then, the zone leaders gave me a letter from my old roommate in Provo. She's wonderful. The letter she wrote me was wonderful, but, ungrateful as I am, I still felt hated and inadequate. Having the rest of the zone bustling around me, I put the letter to my eyes as tears were shed and prayed, "Heavenly Father, I can't do this. I can't feel good on my own. But I know that Thou lovest me. Please help me to do this Work. I'm going to pretend that apart from this letter, someone has just done something nice for me. And, even if it's only in my mind, please make it enough so that I can go on." Just then, my zone leader came over and handed me a package from my sister. Best tshirt with the greatest note inside. It was an instant, powerful evidence that the Lord was listening to me; that He loves me and was aware of my needs. "Okay, niña ingrata (ungrateful girl)," I thought. "There it is. You are loved. Be grateful, and go to work." I resolved to do better--to be better. I resolved to be strong. But just then the Lord showed me that He loves me more than I love me. My district leader called me over, really hushed and sketch seeming. With his back facing the rest of the zone, he quietly pulled a packet of cookies out of his backpack and handed them to me. "This is for you and your companion for your excellent work this week. You guys really did an amazing job." "Niña ingrata," I thought.

I feel like in my last area, the Lord helped me become a good missionary. I baptized 0 people. I haven't baptized anyone in over 6 months, and now I'm opening an area. But I feel the Spirit so strongly in the lessons, even if they're just members. Yesterday, we taught a recent convert who is an ex-preacher. He still has some strange ideas and finds a lot of resistance and intolerance in the church. We got to talk to him yesterday about a few things and I swear to you that the Spirit that was felt nearly moved me to tears. More than anything I want the Lord to know that I'm His girl. Whatever it is, whatever the danger, however crazy it seems, and however much resistance I face, that he would know that I'm His girl--that He can count on me with whatever assignment, whatever job, no matter how small or how silly-seeming.

My friend, who served here but has already returned home, wrote me, telling me about a few problems she had been having. She then ended her email apologizing for not being more lighthearted. This is my response. And I want you to put yourself in her place, as if I were talking to you specifically as you read it.

Ohmygosh never say that to me! You don't need to try to be more lighthearted. You need to try to be yourself. I've been thinking about small and simple things a lot this week too, actually. And the thing I've learned in my mission is that we, as missionaries, as Mormons, and as human beings, have this strange need to feel like we have it all down perfectly. There will be stormy days. There will be sad times. And therewill be Mondays (as much as we hate them) in which we have very little if anything good to say that is not tainted with feigned good cheer.I do not know you very well. But I do love you. And I never want to ever hear you apologize for living the human experience, which is a thing that comes with tears, whines, and much, much joy. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. And your Heavenly Father loves you. He knows that you love the Gospel and He knows your desires to help apoyar a (excuse the spanish) your sisters in the Work through your weekly letters. He knows the discouragement that has touched your heart, and He is pleased with your efforts. Let those around you know how you are feeling. Let them guide you. They may not be perfect counselors, but they are called of God to be at your side in these tough times. The Lord loves you and He is waiting for your call. Let Him become a part of why you can afford to be so cheerful; because He is your greatest cheerleader. And He loves it when you smile. Don't give up. Don't get down for getting down. You're wonderful. And I love you. 

So, I've been thinking about being a missionary and about the Gospel (what else is new?), and I just love and just hate how little it makes me feel. When you're laboring in the work of the Lord, face to face with His precious sons and daughters, knowing that the only way they will hear the everlasting Gospel is through snot-nosed eighteen-to-twentysomethings like you and that they will forever be influenced by the next few words that come out of your mouth, you tend to realize how, as an individual, you are SOOO ill-equipped to tell the fifty-something year-old man in front of you, whose livelihood depends on his job as a bar man but who, as a result, cannot go to church on Sunday, and who also has a problem with alcoholism, that the only way to follow Christ is to risk finding a different job. But here's the part I love: I don't have to do it. The Lord works through His servants and puts in their mouths the things which they should say. (And the things which they would say just happen to be waaaay cooler and more profound than the things which I would say.) And He helps us through our weaknesses. In a way, it's kind of a relief to be able to admit that, for my own merit, I'm basically useless as a human being much less as a missionary. Because therein, I have room to ask the Lord for help. And He will help me. And it's because He loves me. And with His help, I can do all things. I can help these people. I can make sense as a teacer and as a mesenger of Christ.

Last week's message from Gabby 11/25

This week we got a visit from an apostle of God. I can't even believe how much my heart burns with testimony upon even writing that sentence. I know he is a prophet of God and an Apostle. His name is Russel M. Nelson, and he is the cardiologist responsible for kind of "discovering" open heart surgery. He came to visit us this week. It's the first time that Chiclayo has seen an apostle in years. Elder Nelson greeted us individually, and, as I was in the choir that sang, I got to sit one row behind him. It was an amazing experience and I got to hear an answer to my prayer directly from his wife. Her talk was actually my favorite. Hahaha. She's incredible. Then, yesterday, we had a area-wide broadcast on the work of salvation. I'm so excited and so thankful to be a part of the work at this time. They said it's an age in the history of the church similar to those first days of the restauration.

This week's message from Gabby 12/2

So, I wrote my sister this week about an internship she's thinking about doing in Perú. Here are my thoughts: Kay, since you're still thinking about the Perú internship thing, here are my thoughts black and white and frank-all-over: I really don't believe in organizations that just try to generally clean up a few problem areas. The gospel is the answer for all the world's ills. It really is. And there's no amount of funding and no amount of free food that can motivate people to change their circumstances if they 1. don't believe they really can, 2. don't have an end goal in mind, and 3. don't know how. That's where the gospel comes it. It's motivation, it's how change is possible, and it starts with us, which is where changes should really begin. Now, there are obviously some other issues to deal with that really can change lives, but nothing will change unless the people themselves change it. That being the case, next to the gospel, my biggest beef is with the education here. I had NO idea before my mission what a SIGNIFICANT difference education makes. It changes public health problems, it changes family relations, it changes lives. I'm currently in the most affluent area of Chiclayo. On a regular, I talk with some of the most educated people in the region. But it is still ridiculously obvious that there are basic areas of understanding that we take for granted in the states that they don't have here. For example, conversations like this occur with regularity: "My daughter has bronchitis. She's been coughing for weeks." "Wow! What happened?" "She sat in a room with the fans going." "Oh, yeah. That makes sense. (As if it made sense.) You should make sure that she doesn't drink anything too hot or too cold. (As if that was a cure or a cause.)" My companion calmly explained last night that the people rummaging through the garbage were just looking for stuff to be able to take home or to sell. She added, as though sharing a shoppers secret, "And and really great prices too!" So, that's all I have to say about that.

Okay, so something to share from this week is a journal entry I wrote. So, yesterday was basically a bum day all day. We walked around the whole entire day, found no one, entered 0 houses. Then, at the end, we had a family home evening with the Reque family. The wife and the husband have been having a bunch of marital problems. I haven't been sure if they're going to end up making it as a couple. But yesterday, they exchanging glances like I have never seen before. And right at the end, they comitted to continue fighting for their family. Yay!! But THEN, after dinner, the son of my pensionista (the sister who cooks for us) makes like he wants to chat. So, we're like, "Okay, we dig it." And he confesses that he's been wanting to go on a mission! And he says that he's thinking about going in January!!! WHAAT?! I'm McLovin' it because I was there when he first started getting that testimony back. When I first met him, he said, "Yeah, I WAS Mormon, but I haven't been in a looong time. I'm super, super inactive." And now look at him! And today, we went to see Nayelli. Maria, her grandmother, is not our biggest fan. And since Nayelli says that she does literally nothing without her grandmother, her progression's been pretty rough. But I love Hermana Escobedo because se just goes in there and attacks at full speed, no fear. And Maria starts to LISTEN to her! She looks at her like she's this supreme being who's been called to translate for te American. At the end, she's like, "Yeah. The Bible and the Book of Mormon are one in the same, just like God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit are three different people but one in purpose." Pow! Blew my mind.

My favorite part of this week was definitely the tour of the capilla that we did for an investigator this past Saturday. He's having a hard time progressing because he's afraid he's going to get super deep into the church only to find out one day that he was equivocado. So, him actually coming to the church was a big step. The Spirit was super strong. It was awesome. :) Lourvin' being a missionary. ...even though I'm realizing more and more that everything is more intense during this time. I think Satan works a whole lot of overtime on the missionaries. And I know that it's because of the work we do. While, it is super rough sometimes and I'd prefer that it wasn't the case, at the same time, it's somehow gratifying to know that it's that important. I'm just going to keep taking baby steps at a time. I'm lejos de perfect, but I just keep thinking that if I can just make a good decision this once today, maybe tomorrow I'll be able to make another one. So, that's the lesson learned this week. Also! We found out that Russel M. Nelson is going to be coming to our mission soon. Oh check yes!

These are photos of Hermana Brito and I and our guinea pig lunch.

Here is a really picture of Kuelap! (I think she is translating from Spanish to English, what do you think?)