This is from my diary. It's dated Thursday, January 30, 2013.

A very emotional zone training for me today. I had been feeling a lot of pressure these days, and I didn't even realize that it had taken an emotional toll. I felt awful. Like a sinner without anyone around to help. Guilty and despised for it. Then, the zone leaders gave me a letter from my old roommate in Provo. She's wonderful. The letter she wrote me was wonderful, but, ungrateful as I am, I still felt hated and inadequate. Having the rest of the zone bustling around me, I put the letter to my eyes as tears were shed and prayed, "Heavenly Father, I can't do this. I can't feel good on my own. But I know that Thou lovest me. Please help me to do this Work. I'm going to pretend that apart from this letter, someone has just done something nice for me. And, even if it's only in my mind, please make it enough so that I can go on." Just then, my zone leader came over and handed me a package from my sister. Best tshirt with the greatest note inside. It was an instant, powerful evidence that the Lord was listening to me; that He loves me and was aware of my needs. "Okay, niña ingrata (ungrateful girl)," I thought. "There it is. You are loved. Be grateful, and go to work." I resolved to do better--to be better. I resolved to be strong. But just then the Lord showed me that He loves me more than I love me. My district leader called me over, really hushed and sketch seeming. With his back facing the rest of the zone, he quietly pulled a packet of cookies out of his backpack and handed them to me. "This is for you and your companion for your excellent work this week. You guys really did an amazing job." "Niña ingrata," I thought.

I feel like in my last area, the Lord helped me become a good missionary. I baptized 0 people. I haven't baptized anyone in over 6 months, and now I'm opening an area. But I feel the Spirit so strongly in the lessons, even if they're just members. Yesterday, we taught a recent convert who is an ex-preacher. He still has some strange ideas and finds a lot of resistance and intolerance in the church. We got to talk to him yesterday about a few things and I swear to you that the Spirit that was felt nearly moved me to tears. More than anything I want the Lord to know that I'm His girl. Whatever it is, whatever the danger, however crazy it seems, and however much resistance I face, that he would know that I'm His girl--that He can count on me with whatever assignment, whatever job, no matter how small or how silly-seeming.

My friend, who served here but has already returned home, wrote me, telling me about a few problems she had been having. She then ended her email apologizing for not being more lighthearted. This is my response. And I want you to put yourself in her place, as if I were talking to you specifically as you read it.

Ohmygosh never say that to me! You don't need to try to be more lighthearted. You need to try to be yourself. I've been thinking about small and simple things a lot this week too, actually. And the thing I've learned in my mission is that we, as missionaries, as Mormons, and as human beings, have this strange need to feel like we have it all down perfectly. There will be stormy days. There will be sad times. And therewill be Mondays (as much as we hate them) in which we have very little if anything good to say that is not tainted with feigned good cheer.I do not know you very well. But I do love you. And I never want to ever hear you apologize for living the human experience, which is a thing that comes with tears, whines, and much, much joy. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. And your Heavenly Father loves you. He knows that you love the Gospel and He knows your desires to help apoyar a (excuse the spanish) your sisters in the Work through your weekly letters. He knows the discouragement that has touched your heart, and He is pleased with your efforts. Let those around you know how you are feeling. Let them guide you. They may not be perfect counselors, but they are called of God to be at your side in these tough times. The Lord loves you and He is waiting for your call. Let Him become a part of why you can afford to be so cheerful; because He is your greatest cheerleader. And He loves it when you smile. Don't give up. Don't get down for getting down. You're wonderful. And I love you.